Not a Real Lover of the Pets
Hello, my name is Ewala. I come from the planet Alawe, in the galaxy Ewala, in the universe Alawe.
But the point is I tried. If you think you need to go to the bakery, please do so now, because I do not want to be interrupted while I tell you my story. …but anyway, I have been thinking about my happiness lately and have come to the conclusion that I am happy. This is annoying. If you saw a chicken as happy as me, I’ll replace it, and give you a full refund… no questions asked!
But that’s not the point. The point is I am battery operated.
Well, actually I am not.
But that’s not the point. What is the point?
“The point is everyone should have my game and timetable! screamed someone who I subsequently smacked across the face and decapitated before sending him home in a cardboard box.
Before I introduce myself, let me share with you a story. A story about me, and how great I am. But first, I think it would be appropriate to introduce myself. I am going to do this soon.
So, it all started, in a smelly house, north of Wellington, south of Arizona and east of where you are sitting right now. It was a dark night, with no birds nor chickens, and it was raining a silent rain. There were too many stars to count, and not enough clouds to cover them. I like chickens. But anyway, what was I doing in this smelly house?
“I was laughing at the boxes of dog food with you, remember!?” said Stevens grandma, but she was wrong. What was I doing? That’s right, I was writing this story. Now back to the story.
I needed to find something, so looked for it, and the most amazing thing happened!
I FOUND IT!!!
Guess what it was??? it was a piece of crispy bacon, which I dropped last Christmas. I thought the dog ate it, but I guess it didnt. There were many things over there where I always looked for things, but I didn’t like them, so I don’t know why I was always looking for them. But this thing I did like. And this thing, it liked me right back in the face.
But I don’t like things that like me. They smell funny. So I made it friends with it, seduced it, then strangled it in the night and ate it’s flesh. The bacon wasn’t happy with this, and laughed itself to sleep. But then in the plane, he needed to go pee, so I laughed myself to sleep as he pissed himself to wake. He was definitely awake when the plane started to fall. He was definitely going to fall with the plane, and he was definitely going to get lost again. And lost he did get. Lost in the eternal sea of human sadness, lyrically beautiful without the physical countenance to outweigh it’s inherent irony.
And that was where he found himself, lost in an abysmal abyss… That was where he found himself.
Joe Lopo was a man of mild temperament, short stature, and had the goal to become the world’s fastest telephone eater. Though Lopo never knew even basic physics, he created a telescope capable of sighting the smallest hair on an alien who lived quite a few lightyears away. Joe Lopo quickly destroyed a large boulder and used the shattered remains to form eight small statues that strongly
resembled tiny creatures being or related to the water flea. He placed them in a circular pattern to form a sort of shrine and placed the telescope in the middle of it. He then channeled the power of the stone water fleas into the telescope to view the power of the heavens. He was in a trance with the beauty of the mysterious dimension and didn’t even notice the very large tornado heading toward him.
He was taken to new levels of excitement, when he found himself. Oh what a day…. Oh …what a day. But this was to be expected, because he was not just random. He was ranDom with a capital D. But anyway, who cares about the bacon, this story is about me.
Me and my eternal instructions of destruction from underneath. Me and my inherent understanding of the ways of the universe.
Me and my happiness.
Me and my sadness.
Me, and my bacon.
Once upon a time in the land of Fliggimites lived a happy little thing by the name of Joseph. Joseph once decided to go on an adventure and go atop the great mountain of Floosh to annoy the red dragon. And so he left, with his pal, Gandaarghlee the wizard, to Mount Floosh. Along the way he stole the golden toe ring of a guy named Walmart, and met many trolls and elves and dwarves and other odd mutated humanoid creatures, including this one guy made out of bologna that we didn’t like very much, so we laughed at him and he was sad.
So we finally reached the mountan of Floosh and hiked up to the top. Then the red dragon appeared and tossed us in the firy lava pit on the top, which hurt a lot, but by some chance we won the battle and were very happy, and then we hiked back home, but Walmart trapped us and ate us.